If you cant say it, then spray it.

“Tired of hearing the same shit everyday. Honey, after a while, the louder you scream it, the weaker its meaning gets. You see how my face loses its emotion, its the only thing that can confess. Its on replay, its on repeat and you make sure everyday to play it, how undesirable you think are, when as you stare at your reflection all compliments, all praise, these words that screw up with my thoughts on you, these words you spit right to my face. i feel the need to apologize from all the shit i think, but seriously baby girl, i got bigger problems to shed these tears to, those that would wanna make yours hide and sink. I don’t mean to offend you, or say sorry none the less, shut the fuck up already, i get it, i get it, your ass secretly loves the mess.

gaahd..my posts look so sad..i should stop blogging like this, but then again with this i can see how they differ sooo much from my older posts..

i hope it becomes better.....

short feeling of remorse

I look at some freshmen today and i feel like i've lost so much of my hunger and passion for everything..i used to get so excited about the smallest of things, put my all to anything i do, seek so much more than what is already in front of me. i want it back, i envy them, so fresh, unbeaten, full of hope for anything..there's no pain and sadness and regret on a clean plate. i envy that so much..a clean plate. :(

daddy's litte girl

I woke up crying today...
not the tears in my eyes kind, the kind where i actually wake up to the sound of myself crying, eyes red and soar like i was literally bawling my eyes out when i was asleep. The dream was so fresh in my mind as i woke up, like rising up from water as you gasp so longingly for air, the dream was so fresh in my mind that even after realizing it was just a dream, i still continued to cry.

The story was, that two brothers (in my dream, they were these two brothers from my dorm) were lost at sea and we set out to find them, i dont remember much now, but there was an angry old guy who told us not to do something and kept chasing us with an axe, id taunt him and pretend to do it or something, and he'd do the same thing, hed get his axe from his house and starts chasing me with it. Then i find myself being chased off an edge of something and we both fall down into a body of water (it wasnt an ocean because it was too shallow, it wasnt a pool either because it was too wide to be one) i hear thoughts in my head like a narrator was talking over me, it said "and she found a lens cap which belonged to the brothers, she realized they were dead" at this moment i was swimming up to get air, when i heard the voice i quickly swam down again to find the lens cap, i found it and then i realized..it jumped to the next scene where i was at someone's house telling them what happened, and then they were talking about death, and stuff (im trying really hard to remember, i have to type quick or the memory's going to fade away) and then i saw images of my sister but she wasnt the one that died..cause images of my dad came..no not images, clips of him, like a video clip, of everything i remember with him..they were vague but i just knew, it wasnt the brothers who died but him..and then i started crying like a litte kid, it was horrible..just the thought of him gone was incomprehensible, not when i feel like ive lived these years not trying enough to get to know him more, not when ive lived the rest of my life not being able to grow up beside him, not when he's not here right now, not when we have so much more to catch up with each other, not like this, i realized how much i REALLY missed and loved him and how much i need to treasure him more because he's already not here beside us..it hit me all at once in one single dream, it hit me hard....and i cried..fuck that, im crying right now. it hurts more than anything...but what can we do? :|

the moment i woke up and the thought sank in, i opened my laptop and waited for my dad to go online, the moment he did, i chatted him..it was the only thing i had, the closest thing to connection. i didt realize how much pain it would feel to know he was gone, like the pain it would feel, i think, would be a thousand times more, compared to a person who lost a father that he/she got to spend all their lives with. words cant describe, so im just going to stop now.

ive woken up before with tears in my eyes, but never like this, never crying out loud..
i just realized, hopefully my roommate didnt hear me, that would be weird and embarrasing :))

hoping next time would be a happy post....

private grade school b*tches

I remember when i was in grade school, the first year i transferred in people were really nice and i was easily friends with everyone and people from other classes talked to me and i had random awards for english and swimming and i was nominated for class muse; ok so there's a story behind this..

there was this group back then who you could say were one of the "pretty people" (you know private grade schools...everyone's a freaking brat) anyway class voting was near so they were talking about who would be president, vice, secretary, etc..so that all the officers would be from our group (can you see now where officers of our country are derived from?..yupyup! anyway back then i had no idea why the hell they would want that, and frankly i didnt care)..so nomination came, i didnt know if all the people from that group won, i certainly didnt..they nominated me for class muse, which baffles me up untill now (i didnt actually vote for myself and they gave me shit for that, god i hated those bitches..and the girl i was competing with, did..she was pretty anyways, and i was blah anyway, that one vote for herself was the only reason she won though :D ). <-- wow, writing this was stupid =))

anyway, the following year i had a different set of classmates and this one bitch classmate of mine who looked like cruella de vil only black, always tried to make me feel bad about myself, she'd be like handing out papers and go "oh sorry, i thought you were (insert name of ugliest/weirdest classmate here)" then laughs..there was one time when she noticed my new shoes and was all "wow, nice shoes..theyre new right?" then steps on them..like a freaking retard, there was this other girl who spread things like i was "feeling innocent" that i just pretended to be all nice, i had to be with them all day everyday for a year..i took it in like a champ, i didnt fight back or bitch about them to others either.. i didnt tell anyone how i felt, not my mom, not my teacher, not my siblings, not a friend..i just took it in and brushed it off, i didnt realize it would break me down so much inside though..a few girls gave me shit during grade school that after that year; from 6th grade to first year HS i just distanced myself from everyone else to spare myself of drama, i just didnt want anything to do with them, i had friends but didnt let myself get close to them too much..i bounced back come 2nd year, to my old self like the first time i transferred in, i think i figured green eyed brats like that shouldnt even have any form of effect on me whatsoever...or i probably just got tired of being a little bitch about it (haha!) after that, highschool was..to put it in a jist...pretty freakin memorable! =))

the little girl under the wooden mask

Its 630 and im awake..wow! seriously, usually this is sleeping time for me..but its been raining nonstop last night, i woke up at 3 am a while ago because the aircon was off and i was super sweaty (i hate that feeling, waking up all hot and sweaty UGH! i despise that) i thought it was freaking 3pm thats why it was so effing hot so i stood up to turn the aircon on and went back to bed, can you believe that? i thought it was 3pm and i went back to bed! wth is wrong with me? hahah..

Anyway, i checked back at my phone and realized it was 3am, so i went back to sleep feeling much better about myself..when i woke up at 6 it was still raining, i think it stopped now though. I woke up from a dream actually, which is weird because i cant remember the last time i had a dream..ok, so the setting was back when we were kids, my siblings and cousins; how we used to play and stuff, anyway, so we were playing with some toy and i remember my brother was all like being a bitch and pointing out how much i sucked and made me feel such an outcast and a loser, and my cousins were all like doing the same, and this one girl from our dorm was there, and they really liked her and shit, more than me..and then i figured i wanted to just rob the makeup section of a mall when its all closed and just go crazy and get all the makeup i wanted to try. haha!...(i love how dreams are so vague and weird)

i woke up from that dream so fresh in my mind, and i realized that that was one of my fears, i hated the idea of being looked down upon and the feeling of not fitting in or being such a total loser, i hated that..but seeing mysef now, i learned so much about the art of not caring anymore, being numb about things, putting it aside or keeping it inside. it was a skill ive grown so much to master, thats why i dont ever let myself cry in front of people, i dont want them to see that im weak, or that im helpless, or such a total loser..i sometimes hate what ive become, i mean dont get me wrong, this is who i am and ive learned that all i can ever do about it is to love and accept it, but sometimes i look at other girls and wish i had their vulnerability, how they can just let go and show their weak side (girly side i would also say), how they breakdown and cry about the smallest things, how they can be childlike and play around with guys acting all cute and shit.

im just not the type of girl who greets you with a huge smile on her face shouting "Helllooooo!" like a perky little blowup doll, im not the type who sneaks up behind you, covers your eyes and goes "guess whoooo?", im not the type that pokes or tickles or gets something and runs away just so you can run after me to get it, as we laugh and giggle and shit..like seriously, ive built up such a thick skin and such a high wall because when i was younger, i was so sensitive and cared too much about what everyone thought and said about me, that now, i think that it comes out naturally to not give a damn and just distance myself from the world..im not saying im not that sensitive little girl, becuse if i wasnt, i wouldnt need to be so cold and indifferent toward people, i am still so much that 13 yr old who cries silently when her lolo tells her how she cant fix the phone he's been having problems with when my brother so easily can, im still that 12 yr old who gets hurt easily when at practice for a singing recital gets cut off when her mom tells her she did it wrong and had to start over again, im still so much that little girl who curses as she's praying to God, crying "why the hell am i the only one like this, why the fuck did you make me this way? why me?"... im still so much that confused sensitive little girl which is exactly why i feel like i just nonchalantly put up a mask so i wont look weak, or that i care, or that im this fragile little girl.. which is, maybe even just a chunk, still exactly who i am.

juvenile nostalgia and...well, aliens

so its been pretty hard for me to think lately, usually, id think about the deepest most random of thoughts, like before i go to sleep when its like really quiet, and it seems like youre watching everyone slumber in their own little bed (not in like a creepy pidophilic, child stalker way, but in a im alone now and no one is watching me kind of way)..i dont think about what happened that day, or how cold and quiet it is at that moment, i think about how it was before, how i was before, how it couldve been..sometimes i scare myself about what will happen in the future, sometimes i cry, and it feels good, but sometimes i cry, and i just want to disappear..anyhoo, it seems like even my brain is too lazy to even think about anything anymore, that scares me ALOT....when i numb myelf from something, its usually the deepest, darkest thoughts or events..numbing myself these days, is most definitley not a good sign.....im stuck i think.

ive thought about days, when i was 12 or 13, and i didnt care about the world and what others thought, i think i share this feeling with most of the people i know..they have their childhoods and i have my own..i grew up with nature, i like to think.. i miss running around trees and rocky paths, letting the wind mess my hair,because back then i didnt care about wether my hair would get messed up, i just loved it as the wind touched my face, i miss going hiking on the creek to nowhere, building a world all my own, we used to own that magical place, and no one will ever know how much i miss it, id do ANYTHING to go back, i miss going swimming and not caring wether my stomache would show or wether my legs looked nice and shaved, i went swimming because underneath the surface, amidst the silence that brought me so much comfort and peaec, i was untouchable, it was a different wolrd on its own, i was fluid, i disappeared under it, and i adored it......i was never, and now i believe will never be a city girl..i prefer to keep to myself, and tell the wind my secrets..its so hard to pretend to be one, specially if i do it because i HAVE to, well, to pretend is to blend, to blend is to conform, to conform is...and just might be my death...it isnt always about breaking the rules and being rebellious, it has never crossed my mind EVER, to rebel, i find it absolutely pointless...but to survive and "achieve who you want to be" we must walk a certain path. its just sometimes i feel, specially at times when i feel most alienated by everyone around me, like the "Right path" just isnt mine, at times like this, i tell myself im different, that im not like evryone else, that somewhere out there, there is a group of people who feel like outsiders as well..not the outsiders that are way absurd and out of the norm because they think they were born at a different era or sometimes, a different planet..im talking about the kind that do not know where they even came from, who they are, and why they are that way....that gave me a little comfort, momentarily... i feel like everyone has just breezed right by this path, and i keep srtuggling...everyone has their struggles, i know..this is mine.

---K (",)

MTV VMA Performance: Kanye West feat. Pusha T "Runaway" | MeetThaDealer
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

I honestly think he Killed the stage with this song.

blackhole, blood stain, bad dreams

* Warning: contains long narrative explanations*

It was a typical Monday morning, i woke up earlier than i expected and had nothing to do that day at around 10am (yes, 10am is early rising time for me :P), so i decided to watch tv like any other person would.lol..anyway, so i turned on the tv and i came across the tourist bus hostage taking at Quirino grand stand..it was pretty much boring the whole time, the foreigners from Hongkong who peeked from inside the bus looked like they were just waiting for a traffic jam to pass through, so i turned on my laptop as well cause watching the bus immobile the whole time was not amusing me enough :)) from time to time it got alittle interesting whenever the 2 negotiators (one, who looked like a congressman wearing shades and all, and the other one who simply looked like his driver, which surprised me, how these two people with the same profession could look universes apart, to be both officers) would approach the bus and luckily for me, atleast alittle action would transpire..this went on untill it was growing dark, i was watching trying to soak everything up; "why is this man doing this?" "would he really just walk away from the bus after all this?" "How is he planning to end this?" i was innocent enough to believe that nothing wrong would happen to the foreign passengers, i think deep inside i still thought this was nothing more than some movie which i slowly had to fathom completely untill i came up with the most possible ending without regard for the sub characters in it...i regret taking it so lightly then, when i found my heart hurt a hundred times more watching the things i didnt think would ever happen right before my eyes, and make such an impact to me with such force i was unfamiliar with...in a gist (since it would be too long for me to narrate in every detail) things got alittle more heated up, there was physical force, pitiful faces, riot, gun shots, *heart twitching*, broken glass, more gun shots, screaming, *heart hurting more*, long ass time to get in the bus which led to exasperation, then, blood :(

it was the most horrible thing i had to watch and yet i couldnt keep my eyes off the screen..
i wanted to cry, i wanted to rush to the corner of a bathroom close the lights and cry..and yet i couldnt seem to have the will to bawl anything out..i stared at the tv screen, i was paralyzed, it took me into a feeling that i had experienced for the very first time..it wasnt an action movie, it was real life; the people there couldve been an uncle, a cousin, a friend, a teacher, my mom, my brother..me :| it wouldnt be an actor/actress faking death with fake blood on his/her shirt...it was someone's life actually being taken away. The fear of the unknown, how horrible that wouldve felt, a feeling that i dont think i could ever explain nor would ever want to feel..if that night were a movie, some hot guy would play the hero and swoop all the hostages out that bus, but there was no script, no happy ending. As the police came rushing to the bus ive never wished so hard that atleast once, prove all cynics wrong and make reality a fairytale..as hard as it is to write about this..thoughts in my head has been flooding my brain and it makes me want to cry..but i cant. one way or another, i had to let it out.

the first few hours i was watching it (there was a live broadcast on one channel that i religiously stayed on from the start to the very end) i saw their faces..i wonder if that teenage girl who looked so cute , who at one time peeked from outside the window was one of them who survived, or was she going back home lifeless, unable to hug and greet her mom and tell her about the things they did on the trip..that one guy at the very back of the bus who at first was chilling unknowingly peeking from time to time knew that he was going to be chained to the bar near the bus' door and then shot the next hour.....
i wonder..and i think ...and it makes me so angry that life could be so unfair :|
i said to myself last night, "i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way" and i talked to God, "why?" "how will i know?" "I dont want to die that way" :( it hurts..
it hurts to think that no one will ever know..its so unfair..it hurts :|

maybe it was because i havent really had anyone really close to me die, maybe it was because i saw and knew, watching every step, how their life was suddenly taken from them, just like that... it was only that day that i saw someone real, alive the first hour then look at his lifeless body the next..an image that will stick with me for the rest of my life, i reckon..

i can not say that, learning from this we all just have to live our lives to the fullest and have no regrets, and be kind to everybody in your own simple ways because you never know when youre going to leave this earth, and all that bullshit.....maybe its just me, but if i died that way or someone i cared for or knew, died that way, saying those words would NEVER console me..it wouldnt :(
i dont know what i learned from this yet..
i honestly do not blame the hostage taker for life's circumstances were unfair to him as well..
he taught me though that injustice, loss of hope, rage.. can make the kindest of men a heartless murderer..and i dont blame him. he, of all the people who lost their life that night, was the person i felt sorry for the most.

there are many more thoughts in my head..all sorts. yet, i can not seem to squeeze every detail out in one writing..but its up there..atleast a fraction of it, one way or another..i have shared.

kinds of tears

Hmmm.. So ive been long thinking of making this blog entry, and since i havent really been able to blog, ive tried to collect my thoughts for a few days now. Only now have i finally clicked on the link to new posts.

I found myself crying my eyes out a few weeks ago, and believe me that i am the kind of person that has shallow tears, that time though i didnt really find a concrete reason for why tears were coming down my cheeks. It was probably that i was irritated that day by the most random of things or that because i was so frustrated by the major acne/allergic reaction i got by putting orange peels on my face a few months before..haha..it was probably that.

While i was crying, ney bawling my eyes out that day, not only was i thinking about how irritated, frustrated, or hot it was that day..the thoughts of all the problems ive gone through in my life, all the pain, regret, disappointment i had, all custered in my head..and i felt like i cried it all out that day. Ofcourse during those moments when i was going through that pain or regret or disappointment, i cried, i cried every single day, i cried myself to sleep, i cried in the middle of the day just thinking about it..but all those time, i cried silently..i cried so no one wold hear, so no one would notice. How could that be, that the moment i cried for no reason at all, was the moment i cried the loudest. It brought so much comfort to me, that i cried with no actual reason than when i was really in pain and sorrow.

Although that day, i cried for so long, i just sat at the edge of my bed staring into nothingness and crying like i was a toddler again, you know that cry you make so that your mom hears you, that cry you make that's so loud and noises come out making sure they hear that youre in so much pain, that cry people i see on the news make when someone they love has just died, screaming and wailing beside their loved ones lifeless body, that cry you had that makes you breath short sudden gulps of air, as if you just got out from under water after being almost drowned to death. This kind of cry is the most painless of most cries, the kind of cry that stares you right in the face, the cry that lets you cry everything, without hiding, without pretense. This kind of cry gives you the greatest feeling afterwards..the moment when youre done bawling your eyes out, you take huge breaths from exhaustion, and it feels soooo good..it feels like putting down a huge sack of bricks youve been carrying on your back up a huge hill for long miles, then maybe drinking a cold glass of water..or maybe suddenly getting inside an airconditioned room and standing infront of the ac after coming from a really hot place or outside on a warm summer day..it felt good. That final breath you take when you feel your eyes throbbing and you think youll probably wake up the next day with chinky red eyes, your nose red and clogged, your cheeks sticky from all the dried up tears...amidst the pain or sorrow behind those tears, i believe its still one of the best feelings in the world.

---(",)

cassette tapes and cd players

So me and my little brother were talking about old school music players, he was all, remember how we thought that was as portable as it can get, carrying it around school like "yeah! we cool like that"; who knew ipods would show up years after..minutes into the conversation, i was like, "yea, we had to freakn wind that tape up with our pinky when it got all tangled up" my brother gave me this blank expression like "wtf are you talking about?"..apparently he was talking about CD players, while i meant cassette tapes..ugh..im not THAT old, okay? =))

things you hear while watching tv

So, you're nonchalantly watching tv, its a Thursday night. You're watching something absolutely pointless and mind junk-ingly entertaining, when you hear one of the wisest things you've ever heard coming from the speakers of that black box all our parents curse to have fucked all of the youth's brains...i guess sometimes, the world really does surprise you with the most ironic and contradicting situations, that we should all consider as a gift from life rather than a disfunction of it.





- ('',)

What i want for my birthday....

Its my birthday this coming May, and i was planning on just going shopping with the money i get..but ever since i saw GD's Gaho, ive fallen completely inlove with this dog....




Its a SHARPEI <3>




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