Its 630 and im awake..wow! seriously, usually this is sleeping time for me..but its been raining nonstop last night, i woke up at 3 am a while ago because the aircon was off and i was super sweaty (i hate that feeling, waking up all hot and sweaty UGH! i despise that) i thought it was freaking 3pm thats why it was so effing hot so i stood up to turn the aircon on and went back to bed, can you believe that? i thought it was 3pm and i went back to bed! wth is wrong with me? hahah..
Anyway, i checked back at my phone and realized it was 3am, so i went back to sleep feeling much better about myself..when i woke up at 6 it was still raining, i think it stopped now though. I woke up from a dream actually, which is weird because i cant remember the last time i had a dream..ok, so the setting was back when we were kids, my siblings and cousins; how we used to play and stuff, anyway, so we were playing with some toy and i remember my brother was all like being a bitch and pointing out how much i sucked and made me feel such an outcast and a loser, and my cousins were all like doing the same, and this one girl from our dorm was there, and they really liked her and shit, more than me..and then i figured i wanted to just rob the makeup section of a mall when its all closed and just go crazy and get all the makeup i wanted to try. haha!...(i love how dreams are so vague and weird)
i woke up from that dream so fresh in my mind, and i realized that that was one of my fears, i hated the idea of being looked down upon and the feeling of not fitting in or being such a total loser, i hated that..but seeing mysef now, i learned so much about the art of not caring anymore, being numb about things, putting it aside or keeping it inside. it was a skill ive grown so much to master, thats why i dont ever let myself cry in front of people, i dont want them to see that im weak, or that im helpless, or such a total loser..i sometimes hate what ive become, i mean dont get me wrong, this is who i am and ive learned that all i can ever do about it is to love and accept it, but sometimes i look at other girls and wish i had their vulnerability, how they can just let go and show their weak side (girly side i would also say), how they breakdown and cry about the smallest things, how they can be childlike and play around with guys acting all cute and shit.
im just not the type of girl who greets you with a huge smile on her face shouting "Helllooooo!" like a perky little blowup doll, im not the type who sneaks up behind you, covers your eyes and goes "guess whoooo?", im not the type that pokes or tickles or gets something and runs away just so you can run after me to get it, as we laugh and giggle and shit..like seriously, ive built up such a thick skin and such a high wall because when i was younger, i was so sensitive and cared too much about what everyone thought and said about me, that now, i think that it comes out naturally to not give a damn and just distance myself from the world..im not saying im not that sensitive little girl, becuse if i wasnt, i wouldnt need to be so cold and indifferent toward people, i am still so much that 13 yr old who cries silently when her lolo tells her how she cant fix the phone he's been having problems with when my brother so easily can, im still that 12 yr old who gets hurt easily when at practice for a singing recital gets cut off when her mom tells her she did it wrong and had to start over again, im still so much that little girl who curses as she's praying to God, crying "why the hell am i the only one like this, why the fuck did you make me this way? why me?"... im still so much that confused sensitive little girl which is exactly why i feel like i just nonchalantly put up a mask so i wont look weak, or that i care, or that im this fragile little girl.. which is, maybe even just a chunk, still exactly who i am.
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