* Warning: contains long narrative explanations*
It was a typical Monday morning, i woke up earlier than i expected and had nothing to do that day at around 10am (yes, 10am is early rising time for me :P), so i decided to watch tv like any other person would.lol..anyway, so i turned on the tv and i came across the tourist bus hostage taking at Quirino grand stand..it was pretty much boring the whole time, the foreigners from Hongkong who peeked from inside the bus looked like they were just waiting for a traffic jam to pass through, so i turned on my laptop as well cause watching the bus immobile the whole time was not amusing me enough :)) from time to time it got alittle interesting whenever the 2 negotiators (one, who looked like a congressman wearing shades and all, and the other one who simply looked like his driver, which surprised me, how these two people with the same profession could look universes apart, to be both officers) would approach the bus and luckily for me, atleast alittle action would transpire..this went on untill it was growing dark, i was watching trying to soak everything up; "why is this man doing this?" "would he really just walk away from the bus after all this?" "How is he planning to end this?" i was innocent enough to believe that nothing wrong would happen to the foreign passengers, i think deep inside i still thought this was nothing more than some movie which i slowly had to fathom completely untill i came up with the most possible ending without regard for the sub characters in it...i regret taking it so lightly then, when i found my heart hurt a hundred times more watching the things i didnt think would ever happen right before my eyes, and make such an impact to me with such force i was unfamiliar with...in a gist (since it would be too long for me to narrate in every detail) things got alittle more heated up, there was physical force, pitiful faces, riot, gun shots, *heart twitching*, broken glass, more gun shots, screaming, *heart hurting more*, long ass time to get in the bus which led to exasperation, then, blood :(
it was the most horrible thing i had to watch and yet i couldnt keep my eyes off the screen..
i wanted to cry, i wanted to rush to the corner of a bathroom close the lights and cry..and yet i couldnt seem to have the will to bawl anything out..i stared at the tv screen, i was paralyzed, it took me into a feeling that i had experienced for the very first time..it wasnt an action movie, it was real life; the people there couldve been an uncle, a cousin, a friend, a teacher, my mom, my brother..me :| it wouldnt be an actor/actress faking death with fake blood on his/her shirt...it was someone's life actually being taken away. The fear of the unknown, how horrible that wouldve felt, a feeling that i dont think i could ever explain nor would ever want to feel..if that night were a movie, some hot guy would play the hero and swoop all the hostages out that bus, but there was no script, no happy ending. As the police came rushing to the bus ive never wished so hard that atleast once, prove all cynics wrong and make reality a fairytale..as hard as it is to write about this..thoughts in my head has been flooding my brain and it makes me want to cry..but i cant. one way or another, i had to let it out.
the first few hours i was watching it (there was a live broadcast on one channel that i religiously stayed on from the start to the very end) i saw their faces..i wonder if that teenage girl who looked so cute , who at one time peeked from outside the window was one of them who survived, or was she going back home lifeless, unable to hug and greet her mom and tell her about the things they did on the trip..that one guy at the very back of the bus who at first was chilling unknowingly peeking from time to time knew that he was going to be chained to the bar near the bus' door and then shot the next hour.....
i wonder..and i think ...and it makes me so angry that life could be so unfair :|
i said to myself last night, "i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way" and i talked to God, "why?" "how will i know?" "I dont want to die that way" :( it hurts..
it hurts to think that no one will ever know..its so unfair..it hurts :|
maybe it was because i havent really had anyone really close to me die, maybe it was because i saw and knew, watching every step, how their life was suddenly taken from them, just like that... it was only that day that i saw someone real, alive the first hour then look at his lifeless body the next..an image that will stick with me for the rest of my life, i reckon..
i can not say that, learning from this we all just have to live our lives to the fullest and have no regrets, and be kind to everybody in your own simple ways because you never know when youre going to leave this earth, and all that bullshit.....maybe its just me, but if i died that way or someone i cared for or knew, died that way, saying those words would NEVER console me..it wouldnt :(
i dont know what i learned from this yet..
i honestly do not blame the hostage taker for life's circumstances were unfair to him as well..
he taught me though that injustice, loss of hope, rage.. can make the kindest of men a heartless murderer..and i dont blame him. he, of all the people who lost their life that night, was the person i felt sorry for the most.
there are many more thoughts in my head..all sorts. yet, i can not seem to squeeze every detail out in one writing..but its up there..atleast a fraction of it, one way or another..i have shared.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
kinds of tears
Hmmm.. So ive been long thinking of making this blog entry, and since i havent really been able to blog, ive tried to collect my thoughts for a few days now. Only now have i finally clicked on the link to new posts.
I found myself crying my eyes out a few weeks ago, and believe me that i am the kind of person that has shallow tears, that time though i didnt really find a concrete reason for why tears were coming down my cheeks. It was probably that i was irritated that day by the most random of things or that because i was so frustrated by the major acne/allergic reaction i got by putting orange peels on my face a few months before..haha..it was probably that.
While i was crying, ney bawling my eyes out that day, not only was i thinking about how irritated, frustrated, or hot it was that day..the thoughts of all the problems ive gone through in my life, all the pain, regret, disappointment i had, all custered in my head..and i felt like i cried it all out that day. Ofcourse during those moments when i was going through that pain or regret or disappointment, i cried, i cried every single day, i cried myself to sleep, i cried in the middle of the day just thinking about it..but all those time, i cried silently..i cried so no one wold hear, so no one would notice. How could that be, that the moment i cried for no reason at all, was the moment i cried the loudest. It brought so much comfort to me, that i cried with no actual reason than when i was really in pain and sorrow.
Although that day, i cried for so long, i just sat at the edge of my bed staring into nothingness and crying like i was a toddler again, you know that cry you make so that your mom hears you, that cry you make that's so loud and noises come out making sure they hear that youre in so much pain, that cry people i see on the news make when someone they love has just died, screaming and wailing beside their loved ones lifeless body, that cry you had that makes you breath short sudden gulps of air, as if you just got out from under water after being almost drowned to death. This kind of cry is the most painless of most cries, the kind of cry that stares you right in the face, the cry that lets you cry everything, without hiding, without pretense. This kind of cry gives you the greatest feeling afterwards..the moment when youre done bawling your eyes out, you take huge breaths from exhaustion, and it feels soooo good..it feels like putting down a huge sack of bricks youve been carrying on your back up a huge hill for long miles, then maybe drinking a cold glass of water..or maybe suddenly getting inside an airconditioned room and standing infront of the ac after coming from a really hot place or outside on a warm summer day..it felt good. That final breath you take when you feel your eyes throbbing and you think youll probably wake up the next day with chinky red eyes, your nose red and clogged, your cheeks sticky from all the dried up tears...amidst the pain or sorrow behind those tears, i believe its still one of the best feelings in the world.
---(",)
I found myself crying my eyes out a few weeks ago, and believe me that i am the kind of person that has shallow tears, that time though i didnt really find a concrete reason for why tears were coming down my cheeks. It was probably that i was irritated that day by the most random of things or that because i was so frustrated by the major acne/allergic reaction i got by putting orange peels on my face a few months before..haha..it was probably that.
While i was crying, ney bawling my eyes out that day, not only was i thinking about how irritated, frustrated, or hot it was that day..the thoughts of all the problems ive gone through in my life, all the pain, regret, disappointment i had, all custered in my head..and i felt like i cried it all out that day. Ofcourse during those moments when i was going through that pain or regret or disappointment, i cried, i cried every single day, i cried myself to sleep, i cried in the middle of the day just thinking about it..but all those time, i cried silently..i cried so no one wold hear, so no one would notice. How could that be, that the moment i cried for no reason at all, was the moment i cried the loudest. It brought so much comfort to me, that i cried with no actual reason than when i was really in pain and sorrow.
Although that day, i cried for so long, i just sat at the edge of my bed staring into nothingness and crying like i was a toddler again, you know that cry you make so that your mom hears you, that cry you make that's so loud and noises come out making sure they hear that youre in so much pain, that cry people i see on the news make when someone they love has just died, screaming and wailing beside their loved ones lifeless body, that cry you had that makes you breath short sudden gulps of air, as if you just got out from under water after being almost drowned to death. This kind of cry is the most painless of most cries, the kind of cry that stares you right in the face, the cry that lets you cry everything, without hiding, without pretense. This kind of cry gives you the greatest feeling afterwards..the moment when youre done bawling your eyes out, you take huge breaths from exhaustion, and it feels soooo good..it feels like putting down a huge sack of bricks youve been carrying on your back up a huge hill for long miles, then maybe drinking a cold glass of water..or maybe suddenly getting inside an airconditioned room and standing infront of the ac after coming from a really hot place or outside on a warm summer day..it felt good. That final breath you take when you feel your eyes throbbing and you think youll probably wake up the next day with chinky red eyes, your nose red and clogged, your cheeks sticky from all the dried up tears...amidst the pain or sorrow behind those tears, i believe its still one of the best feelings in the world.
---(",)
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