ill hug you for now, but baby youre not mine for the taking

So the title i think pretty much sums up my whole predicament right now..wow, i dont even know how to start this.

You know that feeling when you try to go through life waiting for one moment, and everything else seems like a distraction untill you finally get it, and years and years of heartbreaks that were written in smoke, (cause you know, they exist for a while, and then you realize the next minute that it didnt really exist at all) pass by and youve engraved in your mind that you won't ever probably get that moment..and then out of nowhere, there it is. just like that, like all the years of tears and rejection, and failures, and wrong moments pressumed to be right ones, didnt even happen. and then you know youre supposed to be happy, and that finally you deserve it, but then you realize, oh wait, you can't take this moment, its not yours...

thats as vague as as i can put it :)))

it's like, when a person comes into your life and you try so hard to stop yourself from believing he's trustworthy or real with you or genuinely inlove/inlike with you or that he cares..because you know deep in your heart that they really arent..theyre jerks, they will rip your heart out, theyre playing you, theyre selfish and driven by bodily satisfactions, and leave when theyre bored.......you try so hard to finally just fall because youve been waiting for it your whole life, but you cant cause you know all this bullshit about them could be tue..you could fall and they will fuck you over..and you want so hard to just let go, but you can't cause its not real. you cant, cause its not yours.

ideas whilst taking a shit

I realized how hard it would be to write on this blog without a laptop...so lately i think ive unleashed another use for my schedule notebook, besides it being filled with homeworks, scheds, dates etc. and random drawings and doodles, it's practically filled back to back, page to page of writings of random thoughts, poems, speeches in my head. So scenario, im in class at 8 in the morning, woke up at 5, to leave the house at 630, when i slept the night before at around 12 most likely so im pretty much how a stoner would feel right before he gets hit..its a 3 hour class and there's a 15 minute break, i dont really have the energy to even get out of my chair so i stare at the board infront of me, then i think of someone and probably something i would like to say to that someone, so you know, just in case in some alternative universe where i actually muster up the courage to tell this something to this someone i write it down so i dont forget it. You ever get those ideas that you get in the most random places like for example taking a shit, not as random a place to think of an idea, most people proabably get their greatest ideas while taking a crap but you know, let's say thats random, so you get this idea whilst taking a shit and right when youre walking out of the bathroom you forget this absolutely awsome idea..this is why you should always write stuff down, and this is why i have 2 random notebooks in my bag that i use only for situations like that..anyway, i write down that speech in my head for that someone that just randomly popped in my head while waiting for the 15 minute break to end..im not sure where this post is going..but im sure glad i got to writing again :D

haha

purple gatorade

I need to stop replaying that smile on your face when you saw me walking towards you, under the hot blazing sun. i quickly dropped my head as i watched my feet skip the cracks on the road instead of facing you as i got closer and closer. i didn't know what that meant, were you happy to see me? did you think i looked ridiculous in my white v neck shirt? i wish i knew, you know..it would atleast help ease this unnerving feeling of stupidity. You wanted to have lunch before we parted ways again, i regret the moment i declined..we would've been there again, on that restaurant on that corner, just like before, when i didn't know things i should have known, when i did things i didn't know annoyed you, when you were just a guy who told never ending stories about yourself, and i was the girl who listened..i regret the moment i declined, i don't know if we'll ever get to doing that again, i don't know if you'll ever ask to have lunch before we parted ways, i don't know if you want it as much as i do..i'm glad i saw that smile on your face though, as you saw me walking towards you under the hot blazing sun. You were still you, and i was still me, i kept looking if something changed, like i was hoping something has changed, was there something that changed? i wanted something to change. not the way we exchanged stories, or how that familiar sweat easily trickled on your forehead and mine on my nose, not even how i thought you were being a complete asshole from time to time, or how much it felt so easy and nonchalant just sitting beside you..no, i was looking if something changed about the way you looked at me, every time you'd see me skip the cracks on the road as i got closer and closer.

no i don't feel 21..maybe its because i didn't really do anything special for my birthday, after my 18th i just stopped caring, even Christmas loses its magic, and i guess growing up you start seeing the world in a whole new perspective, gradually, everything turns grey..i want kids to see the world in color while they still can, when it all fades away you cant do anything about it even if you wanted to.

If you cant say it, then spray it.

“Tired of hearing the same shit everyday. Honey, after a while, the louder you scream it, the weaker its meaning gets. You see how my face loses its emotion, its the only thing that can confess. Its on replay, its on repeat and you make sure everyday to play it, how undesirable you think are, when as you stare at your reflection all compliments, all praise, these words that screw up with my thoughts on you, these words you spit right to my face. i feel the need to apologize from all the shit i think, but seriously baby girl, i got bigger problems to shed these tears to, those that would wanna make yours hide and sink. I don’t mean to offend you, or say sorry none the less, shut the fuck up already, i get it, i get it, your ass secretly loves the mess.

gaahd..my posts look so sad..i should stop blogging like this, but then again with this i can see how they differ sooo much from my older posts..

i hope it becomes better.....

short feeling of remorse

I look at some freshmen today and i feel like i've lost so much of my hunger and passion for everything..i used to get so excited about the smallest of things, put my all to anything i do, seek so much more than what is already in front of me. i want it back, i envy them, so fresh, unbeaten, full of hope for anything..there's no pain and sadness and regret on a clean plate. i envy that so much..a clean plate. :(