blackhole, blood stain, bad dreams

* Warning: contains long narrative explanations*

It was a typical Monday morning, i woke up earlier than i expected and had nothing to do that day at around 10am (yes, 10am is early rising time for me :P), so i decided to watch tv like any other person would.lol..anyway, so i turned on the tv and i came across the tourist bus hostage taking at Quirino grand stand..it was pretty much boring the whole time, the foreigners from Hongkong who peeked from inside the bus looked like they were just waiting for a traffic jam to pass through, so i turned on my laptop as well cause watching the bus immobile the whole time was not amusing me enough :)) from time to time it got alittle interesting whenever the 2 negotiators (one, who looked like a congressman wearing shades and all, and the other one who simply looked like his driver, which surprised me, how these two people with the same profession could look universes apart, to be both officers) would approach the bus and luckily for me, atleast alittle action would transpire..this went on untill it was growing dark, i was watching trying to soak everything up; "why is this man doing this?" "would he really just walk away from the bus after all this?" "How is he planning to end this?" i was innocent enough to believe that nothing wrong would happen to the foreign passengers, i think deep inside i still thought this was nothing more than some movie which i slowly had to fathom completely untill i came up with the most possible ending without regard for the sub characters in it...i regret taking it so lightly then, when i found my heart hurt a hundred times more watching the things i didnt think would ever happen right before my eyes, and make such an impact to me with such force i was unfamiliar with...in a gist (since it would be too long for me to narrate in every detail) things got alittle more heated up, there was physical force, pitiful faces, riot, gun shots, *heart twitching*, broken glass, more gun shots, screaming, *heart hurting more*, long ass time to get in the bus which led to exasperation, then, blood :(

it was the most horrible thing i had to watch and yet i couldnt keep my eyes off the screen..
i wanted to cry, i wanted to rush to the corner of a bathroom close the lights and cry..and yet i couldnt seem to have the will to bawl anything out..i stared at the tv screen, i was paralyzed, it took me into a feeling that i had experienced for the very first time..it wasnt an action movie, it was real life; the people there couldve been an uncle, a cousin, a friend, a teacher, my mom, my brother..me :| it wouldnt be an actor/actress faking death with fake blood on his/her shirt...it was someone's life actually being taken away. The fear of the unknown, how horrible that wouldve felt, a feeling that i dont think i could ever explain nor would ever want to feel..if that night were a movie, some hot guy would play the hero and swoop all the hostages out that bus, but there was no script, no happy ending. As the police came rushing to the bus ive never wished so hard that atleast once, prove all cynics wrong and make reality a fairytale..as hard as it is to write about this..thoughts in my head has been flooding my brain and it makes me want to cry..but i cant. one way or another, i had to let it out.

the first few hours i was watching it (there was a live broadcast on one channel that i religiously stayed on from the start to the very end) i saw their faces..i wonder if that teenage girl who looked so cute , who at one time peeked from outside the window was one of them who survived, or was she going back home lifeless, unable to hug and greet her mom and tell her about the things they did on the trip..that one guy at the very back of the bus who at first was chilling unknowingly peeking from time to time knew that he was going to be chained to the bar near the bus' door and then shot the next hour.....
i wonder..and i think ...and it makes me so angry that life could be so unfair :|
i said to myself last night, "i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way, i dont want to die that way" and i talked to God, "why?" "how will i know?" "I dont want to die that way" :( it hurts..
it hurts to think that no one will ever know..its so unfair..it hurts :|

maybe it was because i havent really had anyone really close to me die, maybe it was because i saw and knew, watching every step, how their life was suddenly taken from them, just like that... it was only that day that i saw someone real, alive the first hour then look at his lifeless body the next..an image that will stick with me for the rest of my life, i reckon..

i can not say that, learning from this we all just have to live our lives to the fullest and have no regrets, and be kind to everybody in your own simple ways because you never know when youre going to leave this earth, and all that bullshit.....maybe its just me, but if i died that way or someone i cared for or knew, died that way, saying those words would NEVER console me..it wouldnt :(
i dont know what i learned from this yet..
i honestly do not blame the hostage taker for life's circumstances were unfair to him as well..
he taught me though that injustice, loss of hope, rage.. can make the kindest of men a heartless murderer..and i dont blame him. he, of all the people who lost their life that night, was the person i felt sorry for the most.

there are many more thoughts in my head..all sorts. yet, i can not seem to squeeze every detail out in one writing..but its up there..atleast a fraction of it, one way or another..i have shared.