daddy's litte girl

I woke up crying today...
not the tears in my eyes kind, the kind where i actually wake up to the sound of myself crying, eyes red and soar like i was literally bawling my eyes out when i was asleep. The dream was so fresh in my mind as i woke up, like rising up from water as you gasp so longingly for air, the dream was so fresh in my mind that even after realizing it was just a dream, i still continued to cry.

The story was, that two brothers (in my dream, they were these two brothers from my dorm) were lost at sea and we set out to find them, i dont remember much now, but there was an angry old guy who told us not to do something and kept chasing us with an axe, id taunt him and pretend to do it or something, and he'd do the same thing, hed get his axe from his house and starts chasing me with it. Then i find myself being chased off an edge of something and we both fall down into a body of water (it wasnt an ocean because it was too shallow, it wasnt a pool either because it was too wide to be one) i hear thoughts in my head like a narrator was talking over me, it said "and she found a lens cap which belonged to the brothers, she realized they were dead" at this moment i was swimming up to get air, when i heard the voice i quickly swam down again to find the lens cap, i found it and then i realized..it jumped to the next scene where i was at someone's house telling them what happened, and then they were talking about death, and stuff (im trying really hard to remember, i have to type quick or the memory's going to fade away) and then i saw images of my sister but she wasnt the one that died..cause images of my dad came..no not images, clips of him, like a video clip, of everything i remember with him..they were vague but i just knew, it wasnt the brothers who died but him..and then i started crying like a litte kid, it was horrible..just the thought of him gone was incomprehensible, not when i feel like ive lived these years not trying enough to get to know him more, not when ive lived the rest of my life not being able to grow up beside him, not when he's not here right now, not when we have so much more to catch up with each other, not like this, i realized how much i REALLY missed and loved him and how much i need to treasure him more because he's already not here beside us..it hit me all at once in one single dream, it hit me hard....and i cried..fuck that, im crying right now. it hurts more than anything...but what can we do? :|

the moment i woke up and the thought sank in, i opened my laptop and waited for my dad to go online, the moment he did, i chatted him..it was the only thing i had, the closest thing to connection. i didt realize how much pain it would feel to know he was gone, like the pain it would feel, i think, would be a thousand times more, compared to a person who lost a father that he/she got to spend all their lives with. words cant describe, so im just going to stop now.

ive woken up before with tears in my eyes, but never like this, never crying out loud..
i just realized, hopefully my roommate didnt hear me, that would be weird and embarrasing :))

hoping next time would be a happy post....