If you cant say it, then spray it.

“Tired of hearing the same shit everyday. Honey, after a while, the louder you scream it, the weaker its meaning gets. You see how my face loses its emotion, its the only thing that can confess. Its on replay, its on repeat and you make sure everyday to play it, how undesirable you think are, when as you stare at your reflection all compliments, all praise, these words that screw up with my thoughts on you, these words you spit right to my face. i feel the need to apologize from all the shit i think, but seriously baby girl, i got bigger problems to shed these tears to, those that would wanna make yours hide and sink. I don’t mean to offend you, or say sorry none the less, shut the fuck up already, i get it, i get it, your ass secretly loves the mess.

gaahd..my posts look so sad..i should stop blogging like this, but then again with this i can see how they differ sooo much from my older posts..

i hope it becomes better.....

short feeling of remorse

I look at some freshmen today and i feel like i've lost so much of my hunger and passion for everything..i used to get so excited about the smallest of things, put my all to anything i do, seek so much more than what is already in front of me. i want it back, i envy them, so fresh, unbeaten, full of hope for anything..there's no pain and sadness and regret on a clean plate. i envy that so much..a clean plate. :(

daddy's litte girl

I woke up crying today...
not the tears in my eyes kind, the kind where i actually wake up to the sound of myself crying, eyes red and soar like i was literally bawling my eyes out when i was asleep. The dream was so fresh in my mind as i woke up, like rising up from water as you gasp so longingly for air, the dream was so fresh in my mind that even after realizing it was just a dream, i still continued to cry.

The story was, that two brothers (in my dream, they were these two brothers from my dorm) were lost at sea and we set out to find them, i dont remember much now, but there was an angry old guy who told us not to do something and kept chasing us with an axe, id taunt him and pretend to do it or something, and he'd do the same thing, hed get his axe from his house and starts chasing me with it. Then i find myself being chased off an edge of something and we both fall down into a body of water (it wasnt an ocean because it was too shallow, it wasnt a pool either because it was too wide to be one) i hear thoughts in my head like a narrator was talking over me, it said "and she found a lens cap which belonged to the brothers, she realized they were dead" at this moment i was swimming up to get air, when i heard the voice i quickly swam down again to find the lens cap, i found it and then i realized..it jumped to the next scene where i was at someone's house telling them what happened, and then they were talking about death, and stuff (im trying really hard to remember, i have to type quick or the memory's going to fade away) and then i saw images of my sister but she wasnt the one that died..cause images of my dad came..no not images, clips of him, like a video clip, of everything i remember with him..they were vague but i just knew, it wasnt the brothers who died but him..and then i started crying like a litte kid, it was horrible..just the thought of him gone was incomprehensible, not when i feel like ive lived these years not trying enough to get to know him more, not when ive lived the rest of my life not being able to grow up beside him, not when he's not here right now, not when we have so much more to catch up with each other, not like this, i realized how much i REALLY missed and loved him and how much i need to treasure him more because he's already not here beside us..it hit me all at once in one single dream, it hit me hard....and i cried..fuck that, im crying right now. it hurts more than anything...but what can we do? :|

the moment i woke up and the thought sank in, i opened my laptop and waited for my dad to go online, the moment he did, i chatted him..it was the only thing i had, the closest thing to connection. i didt realize how much pain it would feel to know he was gone, like the pain it would feel, i think, would be a thousand times more, compared to a person who lost a father that he/she got to spend all their lives with. words cant describe, so im just going to stop now.

ive woken up before with tears in my eyes, but never like this, never crying out loud..
i just realized, hopefully my roommate didnt hear me, that would be weird and embarrasing :))

hoping next time would be a happy post....

private grade school b*tches

I remember when i was in grade school, the first year i transferred in people were really nice and i was easily friends with everyone and people from other classes talked to me and i had random awards for english and swimming and i was nominated for class muse; ok so there's a story behind this..

there was this group back then who you could say were one of the "pretty people" (you know private grade schools...everyone's a freaking brat) anyway class voting was near so they were talking about who would be president, vice, secretary, etc..so that all the officers would be from our group (can you see now where officers of our country are derived from?..yupyup! anyway back then i had no idea why the hell they would want that, and frankly i didnt care)..so nomination came, i didnt know if all the people from that group won, i certainly didnt..they nominated me for class muse, which baffles me up untill now (i didnt actually vote for myself and they gave me shit for that, god i hated those bitches..and the girl i was competing with, did..she was pretty anyways, and i was blah anyway, that one vote for herself was the only reason she won though :D ). <-- wow, writing this was stupid =))

anyway, the following year i had a different set of classmates and this one bitch classmate of mine who looked like cruella de vil only black, always tried to make me feel bad about myself, she'd be like handing out papers and go "oh sorry, i thought you were (insert name of ugliest/weirdest classmate here)" then laughs..there was one time when she noticed my new shoes and was all "wow, nice shoes..theyre new right?" then steps on them..like a freaking retard, there was this other girl who spread things like i was "feeling innocent" that i just pretended to be all nice, i had to be with them all day everyday for a year..i took it in like a champ, i didnt fight back or bitch about them to others either.. i didnt tell anyone how i felt, not my mom, not my teacher, not my siblings, not a friend..i just took it in and brushed it off, i didnt realize it would break me down so much inside though..a few girls gave me shit during grade school that after that year; from 6th grade to first year HS i just distanced myself from everyone else to spare myself of drama, i just didnt want anything to do with them, i had friends but didnt let myself get close to them too much..i bounced back come 2nd year, to my old self like the first time i transferred in, i think i figured green eyed brats like that shouldnt even have any form of effect on me whatsoever...or i probably just got tired of being a little bitch about it (haha!) after that, highschool was..to put it in a jist...pretty freakin memorable! =))

the little girl under the wooden mask

Its 630 and im awake..wow! seriously, usually this is sleeping time for me..but its been raining nonstop last night, i woke up at 3 am a while ago because the aircon was off and i was super sweaty (i hate that feeling, waking up all hot and sweaty UGH! i despise that) i thought it was freaking 3pm thats why it was so effing hot so i stood up to turn the aircon on and went back to bed, can you believe that? i thought it was 3pm and i went back to bed! wth is wrong with me? hahah..

Anyway, i checked back at my phone and realized it was 3am, so i went back to sleep feeling much better about myself..when i woke up at 6 it was still raining, i think it stopped now though. I woke up from a dream actually, which is weird because i cant remember the last time i had a dream..ok, so the setting was back when we were kids, my siblings and cousins; how we used to play and stuff, anyway, so we were playing with some toy and i remember my brother was all like being a bitch and pointing out how much i sucked and made me feel such an outcast and a loser, and my cousins were all like doing the same, and this one girl from our dorm was there, and they really liked her and shit, more than me..and then i figured i wanted to just rob the makeup section of a mall when its all closed and just go crazy and get all the makeup i wanted to try. haha!...(i love how dreams are so vague and weird)

i woke up from that dream so fresh in my mind, and i realized that that was one of my fears, i hated the idea of being looked down upon and the feeling of not fitting in or being such a total loser, i hated that..but seeing mysef now, i learned so much about the art of not caring anymore, being numb about things, putting it aside or keeping it inside. it was a skill ive grown so much to master, thats why i dont ever let myself cry in front of people, i dont want them to see that im weak, or that im helpless, or such a total loser..i sometimes hate what ive become, i mean dont get me wrong, this is who i am and ive learned that all i can ever do about it is to love and accept it, but sometimes i look at other girls and wish i had their vulnerability, how they can just let go and show their weak side (girly side i would also say), how they breakdown and cry about the smallest things, how they can be childlike and play around with guys acting all cute and shit.

im just not the type of girl who greets you with a huge smile on her face shouting "Helllooooo!" like a perky little blowup doll, im not the type who sneaks up behind you, covers your eyes and goes "guess whoooo?", im not the type that pokes or tickles or gets something and runs away just so you can run after me to get it, as we laugh and giggle and shit..like seriously, ive built up such a thick skin and such a high wall because when i was younger, i was so sensitive and cared too much about what everyone thought and said about me, that now, i think that it comes out naturally to not give a damn and just distance myself from the world..im not saying im not that sensitive little girl, becuse if i wasnt, i wouldnt need to be so cold and indifferent toward people, i am still so much that 13 yr old who cries silently when her lolo tells her how she cant fix the phone he's been having problems with when my brother so easily can, im still that 12 yr old who gets hurt easily when at practice for a singing recital gets cut off when her mom tells her she did it wrong and had to start over again, im still so much that little girl who curses as she's praying to God, crying "why the hell am i the only one like this, why the fuck did you make me this way? why me?"... im still so much that confused sensitive little girl which is exactly why i feel like i just nonchalantly put up a mask so i wont look weak, or that i care, or that im this fragile little girl.. which is, maybe even just a chunk, still exactly who i am.