juvenile nostalgia and...well, aliens

so its been pretty hard for me to think lately, usually, id think about the deepest most random of thoughts, like before i go to sleep when its like really quiet, and it seems like youre watching everyone slumber in their own little bed (not in like a creepy pidophilic, child stalker way, but in a im alone now and no one is watching me kind of way)..i dont think about what happened that day, or how cold and quiet it is at that moment, i think about how it was before, how i was before, how it couldve been..sometimes i scare myself about what will happen in the future, sometimes i cry, and it feels good, but sometimes i cry, and i just want to disappear..anyhoo, it seems like even my brain is too lazy to even think about anything anymore, that scares me ALOT....when i numb myelf from something, its usually the deepest, darkest thoughts or events..numbing myself these days, is most definitley not a good sign.....im stuck i think.

ive thought about days, when i was 12 or 13, and i didnt care about the world and what others thought, i think i share this feeling with most of the people i know..they have their childhoods and i have my own..i grew up with nature, i like to think.. i miss running around trees and rocky paths, letting the wind mess my hair,because back then i didnt care about wether my hair would get messed up, i just loved it as the wind touched my face, i miss going hiking on the creek to nowhere, building a world all my own, we used to own that magical place, and no one will ever know how much i miss it, id do ANYTHING to go back, i miss going swimming and not caring wether my stomache would show or wether my legs looked nice and shaved, i went swimming because underneath the surface, amidst the silence that brought me so much comfort and peaec, i was untouchable, it was a different wolrd on its own, i was fluid, i disappeared under it, and i adored it......i was never, and now i believe will never be a city girl..i prefer to keep to myself, and tell the wind my secrets..its so hard to pretend to be one, specially if i do it because i HAVE to, well, to pretend is to blend, to blend is to conform, to conform is...and just might be my death...it isnt always about breaking the rules and being rebellious, it has never crossed my mind EVER, to rebel, i find it absolutely pointless...but to survive and "achieve who you want to be" we must walk a certain path. its just sometimes i feel, specially at times when i feel most alienated by everyone around me, like the "Right path" just isnt mine, at times like this, i tell myself im different, that im not like evryone else, that somewhere out there, there is a group of people who feel like outsiders as well..not the outsiders that are way absurd and out of the norm because they think they were born at a different era or sometimes, a different planet..im talking about the kind that do not know where they even came from, who they are, and why they are that way....that gave me a little comfort, momentarily... i feel like everyone has just breezed right by this path, and i keep srtuggling...everyone has their struggles, i know..this is mine.

---K (",)